It is funny how someone can trust another so much, when they really shouldn’t, they are blinded from the truth, because of their stupidity, or more commonly, love. It baffles me that he can say he loves her and that he wants to marry her someday, after what happened. Is that all people do anymore, there is no chivalry left in people anymore; I fear this is true. So then, why do I keep getting hurt if I know it’s coming eventually? Everyone needs someone to love them, but does everyone need someone to be in love with? Why is it that no matter what kind of asshole someone turns out to be, most stay with them because they “love” them. I guess this is me searching for what love really is, if it really exists because it has to or because of something that is developed over time. As of right now I think that I only believe it is something we have to do. Society painted the outline of falling in love with someone, raising a family, and living the perfect 50’s lifestyle. The only problem with that is why marry someone because society says that is the next step? Do these people honestly contemplate what they are getting into, you are to spend the next years of your life with this person, so are people really in love with others or are they in love with the fact that someone cares about them? Is she in love with him because he was her first? Was it so hard for me through the breakup because he was going to be mine? Is that why I beat myself up everyday? The simple answer, yes, the complicated one… I have really begun to hate myself because he still has power over my life. The fact that I cannot look at myself in the mirror and be happy, that I cannot find something wrong, something I hate, he wins repeatedly. I cannot see myself as good, happy, pretty, smart, all I see now is horrid, depressed, ugly, and ignorant. I have become cynical and I admit it, but what else can I become? I am sitting here questioning something that no one has any real answers to, seriously content with that fact that no one will be in love with what I have become, and bitter about what everyone else has. I say I want it, but I don’t even know if it really exists. I want all the things that go along with it, but will it ever amount to anything? It really scares me to know that 3 of 4 people that get married will get divorced, and that most of the people in this world cheat on the love of their life, or is that just the words people use blindly when they vow to each other till death do us part? Should the only person you love be yourself? I don’t even think that I can accomplish that, how can you love something you hate? Why is this thing yearned for so much, it is so abstract, maybe not even real; so then why do I want it? I have begun to think that the only reason two complete strangers “love” each other is because they boost each others self-esteem, they make each other feel better, so is that the key, make someone feel better about themselves and they will do it for you? Then why have I not gotten mine, I cannot count how many times I put myself above other people first, I think the reason I have such a bad back is because I bend over backwards for people. “You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve” again I ask why haven’t I gotten mine? Is it because I do not deserve it, am I not good enough for someone to love, I used to think love was unconditional, but that is not true, how could it be, people judge me by attitude, intelligence, likes and dislikes, and the biggest factor against me, looks. I am sorry for it to come down to that but I know what I am not, what I want to be, but will never accomplish. Inner beauty isn’t what people look for anymore, I honestly think they look for a pretty, easy, not too bright, chick to take home for a couple hours and then kick out on her ass when he’s through. So then, why strive for “perfection” besides the obvious that it does not exist, why strive for something and then have it taken advantage of? Why can no one see the real me? Sometimes it is hard for me to see, but isn’t it more important that you spend the rest of your life with someone who knows the real you and wants to be with the real you and doesn’t just want to be able to fuck you whenever they want? Or am I looking too much into this, should I just find some random guy, and do whatever it takes to spend the rest of my life with him? I don’t fucking think so! That was my relationship with matt, and I am so thankful that it did not come to me actually compromising my beliefs just to stay with him, oh wait, I did that to keep my friends. There I go again doing whatever it takes to make others like me, to make them happy. I cannot do this anymore, why should I, I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself, I believe what I believe and if guys cannot respect that than they can follow in matt’s footsteps and go fuck some slut. I guess that is what I will expect from now on, no use in expecting someone to actually respect me, I will just get hurt again.

If you would like to read more of this book or short story, then you can contact the Author using the following e-mail address: cw2725@yahoo.com