Jeoff clicked on his computer—a somewhat now outdated piece of machinery—and started up some music; something gay and upbeat to be sure. Jeoff sashayed over to the kitchen, a whole four feet from the bed; between the two lay the expansive 4x4 living room. Having traversed his spacious apartment, a stiff cup of coffee was in order. Jeoff had little money and little care to actually buy a coffee maker, so he heated up some water in the microwave and proceeded to add a spoon-full of instant coffee grind to the boil. Immediate satisfaction.
Jeoff then journeyed back across his living room to the computer and had a seat for to check for any new e-mails. Nothing. As usual. Suddenly, there came a knock at the door. Jeoff froze for a second; he slowly arose from his chair—graceful as a geisha mind you—and made a silent procession to the door. He peeked through the eye-hole to get a glimpse at the mysterious un-announced stranger. He started. Could it really be him? No! Impossible! He was half-way across the world! Wasn’t he?
The stranger banged his fist again on the door and Jeoff scramblingly undid the lock and chain and thrust the portal open.
“Juss.”
“Jeoff.”
“What on Earth are you doing here? How did you find me? Where—“
“I’m here to kill you.”
Jeoff looked down. Indeed, a gun was produced. It had a rosary wrapped around it. At least it had been blessed, Jeoff thought.
“I sort of expected this.”
“You ruined so much.”
“I never meant to…I loved you. For two years I loved you more than most people for an eternity…doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“You disgust me. It’s unnatural.”
“You’re…unnatural.”
“Shut up.”
“At least I’m not a hypocrite.”
“At least I’m not going to Hell.”
“You don’t know that. You never understood it. It’s not about sin. It’s about love. But all you can think about is sin. There’s no room for love in you…there never was.”
“You don’t even know me. All you wanted was a piece of ass.”
“That’s a goddamn lie! I loved you!”
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear it!”
Juss forced himself through the door, shoving the gun into Jeoff’s mouth and pushing him against the opposite wall.
“You’re nothing but an animal. Some fucked-up diseased animal that needs to be put down.”
The twain stood there in silence for a while, both shaking wildly—one out of fear, the other out of hatred. Juss took the gun out of Jeoff’s mouth and smashed him against the face with it. Jeoff fell to the floor. He did not weep for himself, but for Juss—for his friend as he once had been. He knew this was why Juss could never have been told the truth. Some people cannot handle the truth, and so they pull their security blanket over their eyes so that in the darkness they may see only what’s in their heads. Juss would never understand how much Jeoff really cared for him and sacrificed for him. Juss would never realize how many nights Jeoff had spent sleeping on the hard wood floor, as a prayer offering to their Catholic god to take the pain in Juss’ back away. Juss would never know how much Jeoff prayed that god would take all of Juss’ sorrow and put it on himself so that Juss would be happy again.
But all Juss saw was a sodomite. A dirty fag. An abomination.
That was true, too. Jeoff loved him. The nights of prayer were mixed with nights of longing—a longing for lips to meet and for bodies to touch. Jeoff wanted so much for their love to be made manifest; a union of minds incarnated in a union of flesh. But the god of the Catholics got in the way, and sent his priests to abolish the union in mind and heart and sent Jeoff into exile—severed and mute—back to his home in the North.
“We were going to be priests together, Jussy. We were David and Jonathan. We were brothers.”
“Never call me that! I am not “Jussy” you faggot!”
Juss kicked him in the stomach. Breath rushed out and there was a feeling of impending vomit. Jeoff held it in...with great difficulty.
“And we are not brothers. We can never be friends again, don’t you get it? You ruined too much.”
Coughing, catching any available air, Jeoff replied, “What the hell did I ruin? At least my sin was that I loved too much. You have the greater burden—you love too little.”
“Shut up.”
“Besides, I’m the one they banished and cut off; you’re still in the church. My life was destroyed, and they raised you up. Now you shine, and I am nothing.”
And it was then that Jeoff realized it. The Catholic god had indeed answered his prayers. He had given Juss’ pain to him—so completely that it destroyed him at the cost of his vocation, at the cost of brotherhood and friendship. For here is a god who delights in his suffering servant, and raises up one only to bring low the other. Gethsemane had passed; all that was left was the crucifixion.
Juss raised the gun between Jeoff’s eyes.
“I love you.”
Trigger. Blast. Thud.
